The Blog That Was.

The other day I started writing a blog about gingers. It was really good. I'm not exaggerating like I usually do, this blog actually made me laugh hysterically until I dropped my phone onto my face (I was lying in bed blogging, because I totally got the blogger app to work for me). So anyway, because I had stayed up until 2am to write this blog I fell asleep in the middle of it. And when I woke up THE BLOG WAS GONE! So imagine how I was feeling, I had stayed up most of the night to write what could have been my best blog yet only to wake and find it had vanished. Obviously I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I contemplated rewriting said blog but I knew deep in my heart that no blog I wrote would ever come close to what this blog was. It was basically the Friday of blogs. (Get it? Because Friday by Rebecca Black is the greatest song ever written and now nothing she writes will ever measure up?) After this horrendous experience I decided to take a few days off blogging to see if I could come up with something else to write about. And after days of thinking about it (or just forgetting about it) I decided that for the sake of my very few blog readers I would write a new post. A post really similar to the original blog. Because I'll be damned if I have to come up with something new to write about. So here it is. A much shorter, less amusing version of my blog about gingers but a blog nonetheless.

It has come to my attention that people are uninformed about the ginger species. I, for one, consider myself to be an expert on them and am willing to share all my knowledge with you, my friends. I've always been quite a fan of dot points so I'll do this in point form. Also, it makes it significantly easier when writing notes: yes, you will be tested on this at a later date.

Let us begin!

1. There is a difference between gingers and rangas. Most people don't know this and use the term ginger and ranga interchangeably. If I've learnt anything from South Park it's this. 

• Gingers have: orange hair, freckles, pale skin, glowing eyes and no soul. They are also unable to walk in the sunlight.

• Rangas (or daywalkers as they are referred to on South Park) have: red hair but do not have pale skin and freckles and because of this they can walk in daylight. We don't mind rangas. They don't suck our soul and we don't call them horrible names.

She's a little pale but let's focus on the hair.

     2. Let's talk about reproduction. By normal human standards for reproduction to occur it requires both the part of a male and a female. However, in the case of gingers it only need a male. You see, gingers come from eggs (I've said this before). And these eggs are fully fertilized and found inside the male ginger. In order to reproduce the male ginger will choose his female (or male) victim and then lay it's eggs inside their mouth. Usually while the person is asleep. The egg then burrows it's way into the person's uterus (or stomach, in the case of male victims) where it stays and feeds off they person's soul until it is ready to come out. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Vanessa we'll just tape our lips closed while we sleep'. But, alas, that will be all in vain because once the male ginger has selected you as it's victim you will have the ginger egg inside you. According to my friend Christopher Lane or @ChristopherLane 'ginger eggs can also burrow through your skin and into your stomach'. Enough about this let's move on.

     3. Once a ginger male has selected his victim there is no escaping him. He will find you. You could wear a protective suit (so to avoid the burrowing eggs). You can move overseas or into a cave or into a house with no access to the outside world except one single security door which is guarded by an army of the world's toughest soldiers but he will still get in. How? You ask, easy. Ginger powers. First he will suck out the soul's of all the soldiers and then, like a spider, he will crawl under the door and into your world. It's like a scene from the world's most terrifying horror movie. I think I'm going to go hide under my bed now and wait... :(