Vanessa's Trusty Dating Tips.

Recently I discovered a few things about myself. Firstly, I have a terrible attention span and can distract myself with anything. Secondly. I’m severely awkward in almost every situation and it makes people uncomfortable, although I do possess the ability to turn it off. I just choose not to as I enjoy watching people get awkward around me. It makes me feel powerful. Awkwardness is my secret power. Although it’s not really a secret power now…it’s just a power…And thirdly, I am a dating genius. If I had time I would definitely write a book consisting of all my dating advice. It would be a best seller. I know this because ‘Breaking Dawn’ was a best seller and that book was possibly the most terrible thing to have been written. You would read my dating book because you‘d be curious and also in need of some amazing dating tips. Since I don’t have time to write a whole book I figured I’d condense all my knowledge and write a blog. You’re welcome.

In my 21 years of life I have learnt a lot. Well, not really a whole lot. I’ve learnt something. Most of it is irrelevant but some of it comes in handy sometimes. Like how to make a dead chicken out of a tea towel. I perform that at parties. It’s a huge success.  Please note:  I’m available for hire. Anyway, the point is this is what I’ve learnt about dating.

1. You should definitely never date someone that tries to sleep with you on a first date. I know it sounds like I’m assuming that everyone who does this is the same, and that’s quite an assumption to make but it’s a good one because it’s right. It’s like saying, don’t swim in sewage because you will contract a disease and die. I haven’t done it personally, so I don’t know if it’s true but I also don’t ever in my whole entire life want to do it to test the theory so I just assume I’m right and move on.

2. Don’t date someone who drives a ute. This one will annoy people. Ute’s are for farm folk. I am not a farm folk. Are you a farm folk? Does that sentence make sense? No. No to everything. Guys that drive utes are some of the most arrogant people on the road. And girls that drive utes are bogans. Do you want to date a jerk or a bogan? No.

3. Anyone with a mullet. Self explanatory.

4. Another person you should never date is someone who has had a history of cheating. I realize that you’re meant to forgive and forget peoples mistakes but I also know that people usually make the same mistakes over and over again. For example, I always walk into the bathroom door at night. I know that it’s closed, and I also know that I don’t want to walk into it. But every time I go to bathroom at night I walk into that damn door. Nothing can change it. Nothing will stop me walking into the door and nothing will change your  boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on you after they’ve cheated on their previous girlfriend/boyfriend. Sorry.

5. I love tattoos. Like seriously. Love them. I can’t think of anything that makes a guy more attractive than tattoos…well except a beard AND tattoos. Point is, tattoos are hot but there’s exceptions to this rule. And the exceptions are: southern cross tattoos. Oh boy are they gross. Don’t date anyone with a southern cross tattoo. Or a tattoo that says: Made in Australia. Do I need to go into more detail? No because you understand my point. They’re terrible. Anyone with them had bad taste and you don’t want to be dating someone with bad taste.

6. I might cut this short and make my final statement. You should never date anyone in a band.  ‘Why not?’ you ask. You don’t need to date someone in a band because they have groupies for that. They don’t need you. Why waste your time? The only exception to this is if you’re given the opportunity to date anyone from Mayday Parade. Then this statement is void. Go right ahead and date anyone from Mayday Parade. Those guys are hot.

So what have we learnt boys and girls? Here, let me summarize this.

Helpful hints in dot point form for convenience and study purposes.

1. Don’t date someone who tries to sleep with you on date 1.

2. Avoid ute drivers

3. Mullets are disgusting. And that’s genetic.

4. Something about tigers and stripes never changing.

5. Southern cross = no

6. Leave the band for the groupies…unless it’s Mayday then it’s okay.