A Bottle of Glow
Every now and then I use fake tan. I'm already moderately tanned but for special occasions I like to employ that sun-kissed look that everyone is so keen on. Special occasions are limited to weddings and engagement parties. Neither of these come up a whole lot in my life, probably only twice in the last 2 years so the fake tan to natural tan ratio is pretty low. Which is preferable. Most of the time I can't even be bothered spraying my whole body so I only lightly spray my arms, face and legs and hope to God that my dress doesn't rise above the tan level.
Anyway, for my sisters wedding I decided I would go all out and get a fake tan from an actual salon. Since I've never done it before I didn't know where to go so I asked for advice from my favorite sibling. She directed me to a place and stated that I 'would not look like an oompa loompa' if I went there. That's really all someone can hope for in a place, so I made an appointment and did some googling to get a thorough understanding of what to expect/do before I went in.
This is the check list. I sort of cut things out that didn't suit me. You know just the 'don't wear deodorant' thing because eww like anyone wants to hang out with the deodorant free girl regardless of her tan.
I realized this fake tan thing was going to be a piece of cake. Exfoliate in the shower - easy. Loose dark clothing- I can wear an old singlet/dress. Wait 8 hours before washing - my appointment was at 7pm so I could sleep through it. Easy peasy. So I stopped stressing and continued about my business until T day. (T stands for tanning... it's clever, usually it's d-day but I changed it...oh never mind. Tough crowd.)
When I turned up to the tanning place it was full of ridiculously attractive girls doing their nails and other feminine business so of course I was self conscious. I was in the ugliest, loosest clothing I owned, my hair was in a hideous bun like an invalid and I had no make up on because apparently it effects the tan. Anyway, a girl leads me to a small room and tells me to remove my clothes so I'm standing there in some very inappropriately skimpy underwear. I'm like, alrighty then, I guess the little machine is hidden in a secret compartment and will pop out at just the right time to get it's spray on. Wrong. After standing semi-naked in front of a mirror for what seems like forever, I hear a small tapping and a girl asks if I'm ready.
Me: for the spray machine?
Girl: actually I'm doing the spraying, are you ready?
Me: um not yet. Let me get some more clothes on.
Girl: oh it's okay you don't have to..
Me: excuse me?
Girl: most people don't wear anything...
At this point I was panicking and scrambling for my singlet. I close my eyes so I don't have to see myself naked and here was this girl whom I've never met, only one screen away.
Girl: all ready?
Me: no. NO! Please...just wait...um...oh god...just one second.
By this stage I was just hoping that the earth would swallow me in all my semi-nakedness. Oh the humanity, to haveanyone another girl see me without pants..without a shirt...I was hyperventilating and struggling to put on any clothes I could grab. I assume that by this point tanning girl was getting annoyed so she started telling me soothing things. Only, they weren't soothing. They were terrible and I wanted her to leave me alone for long enough to get my stupid, uncoordinated body into my shirt.
Girl: there's nothing I haven't seen before
Me: look...I...I just don't feel comfortable being topless.. it's not you.
Girl: I've really seen it all before, I'm sure it's fine.
Me: listen, you sound lovely. I just can't do this. I know you say it's okay but it's not. I can't do this *tries to calm self*
Girl: I don't want to be rude but there's people waiting...
It was at this point the voice in my head began screaming commands at me. My brain isn't very good under pressure. The easiest way to explain it is like a startled fawn. When something happens to me that I don't anticipate my brain freezes and then goes into panic mode. So good old brainy was frazzled and began yelling things at me that I already knew.
Brain: YOU CAN'T LET HER SEE YOU LIKE THIS! GET THE CLOTHES ON! GRAB THE CLOTHES! OH THE HUMANITY, VANESSA RUN! RRUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!
I can't remember a whole lot after this point. I felt a rush of cool air and realized the screen had been lifted. It's probably not fair to make this comparison but I now know what people feel like in prison when they get cavity searches. Oh the shame. So much shame. All I recall from this frightful experience is that I spent the 'spraying time' trying not to look the girl in the eye and mentally repeating that 'it'll be all over soon' to myself over and over again. Once the tanning was over I scurried out of that place like a frightened insect and I haven't been back since.
Anyway, for my sisters wedding I decided I would go all out and get a fake tan from an actual salon. Since I've never done it before I didn't know where to go so I asked for advice from my favorite sibling. She directed me to a place and stated that I 'would not look like an oompa loompa' if I went there. That's really all someone can hope for in a place, so I made an appointment and did some googling to get a thorough understanding of what to expect/do before I went in.
This is the check list. I sort of cut things out that didn't suit me. You know just the 'don't wear deodorant' thing because eww like anyone wants to hang out with the deodorant free girl regardless of her tan.
I realized this fake tan thing was going to be a piece of cake. Exfoliate in the shower - easy. Loose dark clothing- I can wear an old singlet/dress. Wait 8 hours before washing - my appointment was at 7pm so I could sleep through it. Easy peasy. So I stopped stressing and continued about my business until T day. (T stands for tanning... it's clever, usually it's d-day but I changed it...oh never mind. Tough crowd.)
When I turned up to the tanning place it was full of ridiculously attractive girls doing their nails and other feminine business so of course I was self conscious. I was in the ugliest, loosest clothing I owned, my hair was in a hideous bun like an invalid and I had no make up on because apparently it effects the tan. Anyway, a girl leads me to a small room and tells me to remove my clothes so I'm standing there in some very inappropriately skimpy underwear. I'm like, alrighty then, I guess the little machine is hidden in a secret compartment and will pop out at just the right time to get it's spray on. Wrong. After standing semi-naked in front of a mirror for what seems like forever, I hear a small tapping and a girl asks if I'm ready.
Me: for the spray machine?
Girl: actually I'm doing the spraying, are you ready?
Me: um not yet. Let me get some more clothes on.
Girl: oh it's okay you don't have to..
Me: excuse me?
Girl: most people don't wear anything...
At this point I was panicking and scrambling for my singlet. I close my eyes so I don't have to see myself naked and here was this girl whom I've never met, only one screen away.
Girl: all ready?
Me: no. NO! Please...just wait...um...oh god...just one second.
By this stage I was just hoping that the earth would swallow me in all my semi-nakedness. Oh the humanity, to have
Girl: there's nothing I haven't seen before
Me: look...I...I just don't feel comfortable being topless.. it's not you.
Girl: I've really seen it all before, I'm sure it's fine.
Me: listen, you sound lovely. I just can't do this. I know you say it's okay but it's not. I can't do this *tries to calm self*
Girl: I don't want to be rude but there's people waiting...
It was at this point the voice in my head began screaming commands at me. My brain isn't very good under pressure. The easiest way to explain it is like a startled fawn. When something happens to me that I don't anticipate my brain freezes and then goes into panic mode. So good old brainy was frazzled and began yelling things at me that I already knew.
Brain: YOU CAN'T LET HER SEE YOU LIKE THIS! GET THE CLOTHES ON! GRAB THE CLOTHES! OH THE HUMANITY, VANESSA RUN! RRUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!
I can't remember a whole lot after this point. I felt a rush of cool air and realized the screen had been lifted. It's probably not fair to make this comparison but I now know what people feel like in prison when they get cavity searches. Oh the shame. So much shame. All I recall from this frightful experience is that I spent the 'spraying time' trying not to look the girl in the eye and mentally repeating that 'it'll be all over soon' to myself over and over again. Once the tanning was over I scurried out of that place like a frightened insect and I haven't been back since.
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