Handy Tips for Single Gals.

Since Valentines Day is coming up I figured I'd write a valentines day themed blog. I have decided that it is going to be full of helpful tips to land a date or something. Realistically there's not a whole lot of time to use them before this Valentines day but next year you'll be set. So here they are.

How to land a date.

1. Choose your target. 
2. Stalk on Facebook. 
3. Read all about interests. 
4. Memorize said interests. 
5. "Randomly" bump into target.
6. Make him date you.

How to make a guy love you. It's easy, really. Focus on these 4 aspects.

• Physical: It's important to dress up. I don't mean in a batman costume, I mean in dresses, heels, make up and jewelry. Never again will you wear track suit pants and t-shirts. How do you know you're dressed appropriately for a date? Great question. You need to be uncomfortable. Your outfit needs to be so uncomfortable and restrictive that the only two positions you can tolerate are standing and sitting on a chair.

• Emotional: Guys don't like girls with emotions. I know it sounds horrible but it's true. The only emotion guys respond positively to is happiness. So what you need to do is remove all traces of feelings. How do you do this? You think of bubbles. It's difficult to feel anything but happy when thinking of bubbles. If for some reason bubbles make you unhappy think of puppies or rainbows or bubblegum. Anything that will make you smile is fine. It probably helps to practice this in a mirror before you go on the date. Your face should resemble Barbie. Have you ever seen her stop smiling? No.

• Biological: One time I was reading one of my university text books and I came across a section which was about pheromones and male-female attraction. I didn't read it properly but I assume the general gist of it was guys are attracted to the pheromones females produce after they've worked up a sweat. So the tip is to smell like you've just gone on a hike. Throw away your perfumes because the male species is only attracted to body odour. The more offensive the better, I think.

• Psychological: If none of these things help you in getting a date then you should try some psychological mind games to trick a guy into dating you. Start by not acting interested in anything he says. Answer all of his questions/statements with a forced half smile and '...oh yeah'. Another thing to try is pretend that you've confused him with someone else. Someone you liked better. For example.

Guy: so I was at work and...

Girl: at the bakery?

Guy: I don't work at a bakery?

Girl: oh I thought you did

Guy: I've never worked at a bakery

Girl: oh no that was *insert guys name* he used to give me free bread. I like bread.

And if all else fails...

Build a dungeon in your house and figure out a way to lure/trap him there. There's nothing wrong with using Stockholm syndrome to your advantage. He'll love you eventually, it's just a matter of time.